the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
