rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
