My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
