Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
