If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
