There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize