I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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