I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
