I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
