I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
