too bad you live with your parents still
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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