please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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