I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
