he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
