Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ttyl tear gas
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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