they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
