there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
