roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
