Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
