Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
