I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
