I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
