apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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