It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
