apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
