i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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