Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
