They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
