oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
