It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
