my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
