No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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