Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
