hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize