So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm too high and old for this...
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