Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
