Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Randomize
