i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Randomize
