my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
