I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
