she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
