My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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