Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
