so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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