just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
