does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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