Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
