if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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