This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone came in the potted fern
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
