Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
