I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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