am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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