I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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