Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize