your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
As shirtless as possible
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize