'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
