You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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