You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
