She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
