Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize