She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
