tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
and she was petting her beer can
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sext me about skeletons
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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