i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
