So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
well you can't waste a boner
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
