I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize